The theme of the week seems to be, for me, radical self-acceptance. The God who named Himself “I am” seems to be quite alright with us being who we are as well. This naturally comes as quite a shock to me. I grew up hearing messaging from everywhere that we should never be okay with ourselves as we are now, that we should always be striving to be better.

When I met God, I brought all the garbage I had accumulated with me. One particularly heavy bag I carried was the idea that the whole purpose of life was to be consistently “leveling up”, always “one percent better”, always seeking to improve.

Like the perfect Father He is, when He ran out to meet me He took that bag (along with the all the others) and set them aside to embrace me. I felt the weight lift immediately, and that feeling of total freedom intoxicated me. I have never forgotten that first breath of new life. But oh how quickly I picked my garbage back up and sought to follow after Him with all of it still clinging to me like the Junk Lady from The Labyrinth.

I have used Bible passages to justify this. I have run myself into the ground over and over again. I have hurt people in ways I could never have imagined over this lie, this obsession with becoming someone worthy of love. I was convinced before I met God that I would be worthy of love if I could be good enough; I was convinced after meeting Him that on my own I never would be good enough; and today I am beginning to understand that He never wanted me to be good enough, with or without Him. He just wants me — as I am.

Jesus didn’t come to begin a process of sanctification that would, in the end, make me worthy. In His leaving the Throne and taking on flesh He pronounced me worthy. The prodigal son wasn’t accepted back in to the family as a servant. There is no earning love with God. As it says in The Discipline of Grace, “God never intended that we relate to Him directly” (p 23). I read this years ago and the understanding has only deepened with time. Jesus isn’t a hall pass or permission slip; He isn’t my get out of jail free card; He isn’t waiting in the wings for me to need His forgiveness again and again. He settled it all on the cross. It is finished.

So where does that leave my obsession with “one percent better”? I still have a terrible drive; I am motivated to learn; I am restless with imperfection. My mind churns problems into solutions seemingly without any effort of will; I am most excited about life with I have a reasonably-sized problem to tackle. Finally, after many years and missteps and mistakes and failures, I am learning to accept that this love of problem-solving can be a gift . . . as long as I remember that people are not problems.

I am not a problem to be solved. I am a person that God (God! Holy, Perfect, Lovely God!!) loved enough to sacrifice His Son and His life for, who loves me enough to abide with me and lead me through life like a good shepherd.

And this isn’t only true when I am behaving well or navel-gazing, writing these heady thoughts down. No; it was true when I was barking orders last night; it was true when I responded with impatience; it was true when I judged someone much more harshly than I would like to be judged; it was true when I was selfish. And it will be true again when I inevitably mess up. I can only repent because I do not have to fear what will happen to me when I own up.

I am learning to trust the grace that I love. Maybe this isn’t so much about self-acceptance as it is trusting God . . . but it is He who made me. I cannot reasonably trust Him while holding myself in contempt. He doesn’t hold Himself back from me. And he doesn’t hold Himself back from you.

I don’t know who these are for. Hopefully someone other than me. Thank you for reading. God loves you.