I can’t even finish reading one book about homeschooling. It’s tedious, seems largely irrelevant to modern life (using a compass is essential?), and altogether just makes me feel like a failure.
So I probably will suck at homeschooling. The curriculum I bought has a book list of which I have gotten 3 books and barely glanced at the free math curriculum. I plan to start using the curriculum in two weeks. Yeah….
Also I joined this group of homeschooling moms of preschoolers that’s MWF and while I believe it will be good to be around other kids it’s feeling like “too much”. And I’m just feeling like a weak, useless failure of a person because— what isn’t “too much” for me?
I’m just discouraged and whiny and discouraged that I’m whining. Sending this out to the void that is my blog audience because why not.
Going to listen to Tethered by Jason Gray now and stop being so mopey.
I wrote this about four weeks ago. Wrapping up the first week of Littlefoot’s kindergarten homeschool. We still don’t have all the books. But I’m just doing what I can with what I have. That’s actually a bigger accomplishment for me than “getting my ish together”.
God is showing me through my weaknesses and failures lately how inconsequential I am. It’s hard to accept when I was raised to take responsibility. The only thing worse than making a mistake was not making up for it.
I’m into my fifth week of homeschooling, so I started writing this six weeks ago now. The loathsome book has been returned, school supplies fully purchased, and my Littlefoot enjoys learning at home.
It’s interesting to have a record of this. Maybe by the end of the school year homeschooling won’t be touch-and-go, but every bit as routine as dishes and meal planning… things I once felt I would never get the hang of and even now don’t do perfectly but aren’t the struggle they once were.
I’m not on a journey of success here, though. If I never become an accomplished homemaker, accountant, or even the best overall person (what does that mean?? I know but can’t quantify)… even if I get to 80 years old and am no better at anything, may I just know Jesus a little better than I do now.
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death
— Philippians 3:10
Occasionally I have my head on straight. This too is great grace.
The Blank Page 
Homeschooling is insanely hard. Rewarding. Flexible. Wonderful. Stretching. And hard to see the benefits at times. Then other times is super clear. Now back to checking today’s school work…that’s what I was doing before being distracted by my email and your post. 🙂 Just focus on one day at a time. That’s what helps get me through. All we have to do is today! KOKO!!!
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I can’t identify with homeschooling, but unlike you, I have reason to identify with having failed as a parent. You’re obviously a very good and dedicated mother. I also can relate to feeling like a failure in life. But you and I both know that there is neither success nor failure in Christ, but only abundant grace. Thanks for sharing this, my sister.
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