Of course as soon as I tap out the title, my sour patch kid needs to test a limit. Thanks to a podcast I listened to recently I don’t feel like I need to make sure he feels sorry for his disobedience, just give the consequence, prompt the words (I’m sorry is all I can ever get out of him), and move on.

Of course before I can elaborate on that thought, I hear an ominous THUD and my phlegmatic boy wail. He hit his head on the table. Kisses made it all better, and now I am sitting with him as he builds and rebuilds the same 12 magnatiles.

It’s quiet for a moment.

My big Littlefoot has discovered that the Bible he picked up has numbered pages. I can imagine him now in the other room flipping through the pages, marveling at how many.

And now my sour patch kid walks up to me exclaiming, “Mama, look!” and tries to yo-yo… then ends up spinning around with the yo-yo. And tells me as if I need this sober warning, “Mama if you’re dizzy, don’t try to go down stairs. You’ll end up hurting yourself. Like this.” Oh boy.

Now the little one wants to go play with his brothers. Now he doesn’t.

Anyway.

I feel this heaviness lately even as I also am experiencing the freedom of trusting Christ in a way I have only previously imagined. The heaviness is nothing new. It is what the world rushes to diagnose, treat, prevent. Without the truth of Christ, that heaviness is lethal. When I say I wouldn’t be alive without Christ I mean literally, physically.

Snack time, again. Strawberries.

So this heaviness isn’t new, but it is. This is a soberness, and not like those momentary splashes of cold water. This is more like being wide awake for hours in the night… and where I used to ache for sleep, I find myself more curious.

We are outside now… No chores or schoolwork done yet, unless you count a few seconds explaining what a political map is. Sometimes I think the real work here is learning how to interact with people. I haven’t been counting, but offhand I would say we’ve had at least a dozen lessons in considering one another more important than yourself, humility, expressing concern, speaking respectfully, extending compassion and forgiveness. And that’s just on my end. Haha! Kidding… sorta.

And now a tantrum because I declined to carry something for the little one. More like a momentary outburst. He’s probably already fine and I’m still trying to gather together the thoughts that got scattered.

Well, the tantrum ended up being some extra neediness. And then we started working on a little organization project, which morphed into digging unnecessary holes in the yard. Life.

And that (life) is what I want for us, but I don’t want to neglect the discipline of learning, practicing, hard work that yields results.

My question is essentially this: how can I guide my children down a path that I don’t really know, and how can I learn it? I am thankful that I am not unlearning a ton of societal nonsense, as peer pressure was not something I really witnessed in those I admired nor was it fostered in me. But due to not caring about keeping up with the Joneses, I never had the motivation most have for learning hard work, organizational habits, and maintaining friendships. Now that I want to learn these things, I am well past the age where I have mentors available to me. I’m not saying I can’t learn — not at all.

Another long intermission… food, schoolwork, Minecraft, some more reading time for me… and a discovery of what my Littlefoot was doing so quietly in the basement. I am neither shocked, nor dismayed, to discover that it is something that he would not have done if I had been down there supervising. A cleanup project for later.

We are outside again and this time the older ones are climbing a tree. The little one is jumping on the trampoline after many, many requests to go play inside.

So what I’m getting at I guess is just, I wonder if I am a good example for them and I know that I could be a better example. And I know that all the things that I want to get better at are things most people figure out in their teens. But I would be remiss if I didn’t also note that I recognize, I’m not all failings and flaws. While most teens were consumed with spending hours looking their best and impressing their friends, I spent hours reading. My vocabulary is being passed down to these kids. My dialectic skills for sure come in handy as I do not simply settle for what has always been done nor hasty reasoning for choices as small as whether or not we should have ice cream for a snack or as big as whether or not to homeschool.

Just writing that out reminds me that I need to not despise my talents simply because they are familiar. I can learn what I need to learn. I just need to stay humble and focused. Focus comes easily for me. Humility (not leaning on my own understanding), not so much.

Anywho, the day is winding down and dinner won’t make itself. The younger kids are back in now, watching an animated show based on Beatrix Potter’s stories. My big Littlefoot has finally convinced Love to play a “grownup” video game with him. Perfect window for dinner-making.

Time to post and go.

*Alternate Title: Wherein Foundmercy accidentally writes a day-in-the-life post

Occasionally, I remember to jot down an idea I have for a blog post Usually the ideas just simmer below the surface and fizzle and or die, or maybe they’re still there and I just have to have more than five minutes to think about it.

People who don’t know me well think that I’m a math person because I used to work in accounting. People who know me well laugh at the fact that I used to work in accounting. I am definitely not mathematically inclined and this isn’t to say that you can’t be both “a math person” and a writer, but my verbal intelligence so far outpaces my mathematical intelligence that comparatively… let’s just say I’m way, way, way more of a writer than a math person. 

One thing that writers probably don’t talk about much is the fact that they’re always writing, even if they don’t have a pen in hand. My understanding of the world is language, woven upon language, woven upon language, twisted into strands, and made into patterns and textures. I don’t just look up at the clouds and have a feeling of awe; I find myself telling whole stories about the play of light and dark, and the size of the clouds, and their shapes, and how they’re moving through the sky or how they’re eerily still. I ache for the words even as the words are bubbling up in me.

But the time to write — to really sit down, and make sense of all of my insane stream of consciousness — is short. I am actually talking this post into my phone as I watch the kids… play? fight? on our trampoline.

So, I keep this list on my phone of ideas and I have spent the last 10 minutes working on this instead of actually teasing out any of those ideas. 

And as I am wrapping up and about to just hit the post button because what else do you do when you have 10 minutes and you don’t wanna feel like you wasted it, it occurs to me that there’s probably an issue of prioritization going on as well.

Maybe. Just a bit.



I’m all ramped up Monday to bring my A game and I had a great day! I met one of my kids where they were when it was difficult. I was flexible about the things that didn’t matter. I didn’t drop the ball on what matters.

And today, fully expecting another day just like yesterday, I jumped in and got slammed with a migraine in the middle of co-op. I didn’t have my medicine with me. When we got in the car one of my boys yelled, and I snapped at him. I told him I was wrong and sorry. I drove home just clinging to the steering wheel and breathing.

And that sucker fully took me out till after 5pm. Thank God for my husband. He just picked up the ball and kept it going till I was able to stand on two feet again.

I just finished helping with bedtimes and I am finally feeling okay. And as I do, I am thinking about the day. I didn’t accomplish much. And my affections were definitely not ordered properly when I snapped at my kid, nor when I chose to be on my phone instead of engaging with the other parents who were chatting at co-op. (I hate butting into conversations, but I could have at least appeared approachable.) And I wonder, what is God teaching me here?

I need to finish up the evening chores now that I’m not flat on my back, and I really need to spend some time in the Word. Maybe I will see what He is teaching me more clearly there. Maybe I won’t. But it’s always time well spent.

During my first attempt at college, I met a man whose “baptist yell” is forever imprinted on my brain. He held nothing back as he screamed after every statement: DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?!

I am not one who typically gets into emotional worship or sermons where the pastor equates volume with sincerity. I do not trust people who appear to be manipulating me, regardless of their intentions.

But this man, I can’t help but see him as someone I needed to wake me up… and whose Do you really believe that? scream lives on in my mind in a sort of fatherly way, a beacon… a lighthouse. I will be reading Scripture and see a truth about God that would change everything if I truly lived like it were true, and Do you really BELIEVE that?! rings in my ears as if I am hearing it for the first time. A familiar worship song plays on the radio and I am humbled again… do I really believe this, what I’m singing?

I have been in a bit of hibernation since Thanksgiving (maybe longer) and I really believe some things now that I didn’t before. I believe that what makes a restful day isn’t the goodness of my work but the quality of my affections. I believe that God really loves me no matter how poorly I love Him.

As I look forward to getting back into routine, however, I see that my time here is short and I cannot waste it trying to escape from the everyday pressures of life. I will flounder, fall, and fail, but I must still try. I might just be ready now. Now that I know in my bones that it isn’t my effort that accomplishes anything. Now that I know I am loved… so loved. How He loves!!!

And out of the overflow of such great love, mercy, and grace I see that I need to be more present for my children… more proactive about discipline… more creative and engaging with their education. I need to lead by example. Not out of fear for what will happen if I don’t, but because this is what God has for me.

What will that look like practically? I am still working it out. But this has been a growing concern for me over the last couple weeks especially, and I am settled now: some things simply must change. I must change.

Thank you for indulging my introspection. I leave you with a little Scripture that really got me cemented on this train of thought;

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”
— John 11:25-26

O Lord, may You be glorified in this writing.

I woke up to no pain in my leg for the first time in weeks. I went to bed last night taking the stairs normally. I made a full dinner for my family. My leg only ached some and occasionally I felt a twinge of that stabbing pain that had me down for so long.

While I am feeling so very hopeful that all this pain and sitting are in the past, I want to remember some important things I learned:

First, I have worth regardless of how much I am contributing. When I was doing no cooking, cleaning, dog walking, taking kids outside — I was no less loved. My family doesn’t love me because they need me.

Second, my family does actually need me… though not in the ways I think. Again, I think I am needed because I can chase kids, clean, and cook. What I saw most clearly these past few weeks is that they need me to show the love of Christ. If that means letting go of some arbitrary expectations I have made for myself, that is what needs to happen. God has not said “thou shalt have a warm, fresh dinner on the table at 6pm nightly” or “thou shalt make thy children do chores every morning”. Would I be remiss to ignore my family’s needs? Absolutely. Are there other ways to feed and teach responsibility? YES.

Third, I do care what people think. I always say that I don’t care and I believe that. But I am wrong. I care deeply what people think in the sense that I am terrified that people will hate me. I don’t care if people think I’m a terrible person as long as they don’t hate me. What do I do with this information? Let it humble me. Jesus was hated to the point of people murdering Him. Did He cower?

Finally, God is good in a way that I can taste and see. No matter what. No matter who is mad at me. No matter how much I fail. God is good.

As much as I have been telling myself that God sees me as helpless, dust… I apparently didn’t believe it enough.

Monday morning I was closing windows. As I pushed myself up on a child’s ladder we have coming down from our dining area bench, the step I was using snapped. I found myself suddenly flat-footed on the ground, my breath ragged and saying “I’m fine” on repeat like a daft parrot. Slowly coming out of shock, I found it impossible to put my full weight on my left leg. I hobbled over to the nearest chair and assessed the damage. My shin had a shallow scrape that was bleeding, but not much. I asked my children to bring me a stool to elevate my leg, and an ice pack. As I sat there breathing and thinking, it occurred to me that I should let my husband know this situation. He was in the office. I called, and as soon as I heard his voice I started crying.

I hate crying. I hate telling anyone that I cry. But I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last year. Not from pain. The initial pain was the worst, and the pain from the one day this past week I thought I was healed because I was wearing shoes was pretty bad too, but otherwise the pain level has been more on the level of annoyance.

Yes, I thought shoes were all I needed to resume my usual activity level. Wednesday, I woke and dressed for BSF because they have childcare and I figured that it wouldn’t be too much up on my feet. Previously I had followed my house rule of no shoes, but when I noticed that I could walk without pain (I am thinking some people might have considered it “pain”; to me it was more like a higher than usual awareness of my shin), I kept pushing it and ended up spending probably two hours on my feet in the afternoon in addition to the walking kids to classes at BSF. When I took my shoes off, the pain shocked me. I felt like something was stabbing my shin with a hundred paring knives. I went from feeling like I was on the mend to feeling like I had not improved at all from day zero.

Oh, the frustration! I am fighting every moment with the knowledge that I can be on my feet, yet every minute on my feet causes further injury. It feels irresponsible to be on my feet; it feels lazy to be sitting… even lazier when others are doing for me what I technically can do for myself.

It isn’t my story to tell, but I know I am not alone in that frustration. People with “invisible illnesses” deal with this every day. Even those who have experienced similar symptoms as me have told me not using the injured area is difficult.

So why am I writing? What am I trying to send out into the internet?

I want to share this because I want the record to show that I have gone so far into sharing my experience without a word of gratitude, without a mention of the immense blessings I have received in the last six days. You, reader, need to know that while God is great and has changed me in surprising and wonderful ways, I still am so very self-centered.

God has blessed me with a loving husband who will do anything for me without a complaint. He has placed my mom in my home with her medical knowledge and persistent concern for my wellbeing. Where Love will do anything I ask, my mom knows what I need before I think to ask. My mother in law came and spent two days over at our house doing laundry and keeping kids busy and fed. Then she kept the kids for two nights at her house so I could really rest. I was able to wake up two mornings in a row of my own accord, and sleep as long as I needed. Our church started a meal train, and I have not cooked for a week. Someone even offered to pay for x-rays. My homeschool group is praying for us. While I wrestle with feeling frustrated, I am being enveloped in love that I cannot describe. God has seen fit to shower my little family with the active care of His people. How inscrutable are His ways!

I have asked many people to pray that I would not waste this time. Maybe I am writing in an attempt to make good use of the time I am “benched”.

Know this, dear reader: God loves you. He knows my self-centeredness and He knows yours (though I doubt you are quite so self-centered as me!), and He still loves us. He is trying to teach us, isn’t He? Let us pray that our hearts would be tender, our ears ready, our minds fixed on Him.

You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
— Isaiah 26:3

I wrote a few months ago that I am in my chrysalis season, and I think that is still true. I’ve posted a few things since then, but ultimately I am finding that every time I try to act like I have something figured out, God reminds me promptly that I’m not in a race, there are not levels of sanctification, and I am not somehow a better person than I was yesterday or yesteryear.

… And while humbling, isn’t that so much freedom? The only way I can fall is if I elevate myself, because God isn’t putting me in that position. He knows I am dust; He never “expected better” from me. He hates my sin — enough to punish His beloved Son for it! — but He doesn’t see me in it; He sees me through Christ and His sacrifice.

Getting better, healing, doing better — those are my aims in life. His aim? To purify, to sanctify. This process looks nothing like I thought it would.

I’m learning to trust the One who is doing the process, look at my actions and not their apparent results, and get comfortable with feeling like I am dying. With every “but it hurts!” I find that comfort He promises. But I need to admit that it hurts, and that is hard.

When you grow up passionately pursuing enlightenment — a state of being un-offend-able and unattached — the call of Christ to throw our entire physical, mental, spiritual self upon His mercy and trust Him is almost too emotional an affair. I would rather carry on with the mental gymnastics of denying the existence my own feelings and even bringing Scripture into it to add veracity to the pursuit.

There is no tidy bow to wrap this up with. The day is already rolling and I’ve got to hop on.

I will end with this, and pray it blesses you:

A Psalm of David.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

The Lord performs righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.

The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,
And His sovereignty rules over all.
Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Mighty in strength, who perform His word,
Obeying the voice of His word!
Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You who serve Him, doing His will.
Bless the Lord, all you works of His,
In all places of His dominion;
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Psalm 103:1-22

Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. “For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

Matthew 18:21-35

I bolded some key phrases because I want to know if anyone else sees what I’m seeing here.

The perspective we bring to God’s forgiveness affects how we do (or don’t) receive it. God stands ready to forgive even the most heinous sin. We come to Him burdened with a debt we cannot possibly repay. Yet many will come to Him grateful for the relief, but insisting on paying back “everything”. What foolishness!!

So, when this person encounters someone who owed him a little debt, I am thinking he was considering the amount he was owed as due him immediately, so that he could get to repaying his master quickly. Even though it does not say in the story what the wicked servant’s response is to being sent to jail, I can easily imagine him crying, “but I was just trying to repay you!”

As long as we have any inkling that we can repay God, we will not be able to forgive others as He forgives us. We will be thinking of ourselves as working off our debt, and therefore see those who sin against us as in need of working off their debts to us.

Romans talks about it this way:

Now to the one who works, his wage is not credited as a favor, but as what is due. But to the one who does not work, but believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness,

Romans 4:4-5

As usual, God’s way is not like ours. We want to “repay everything”, and He says no. He says He will pay it. He insists upon us believing in His forgiveness so fully that we can forgive others “seventy times seven”. What great grace!

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=JoeAKG3LVCU&feature=share

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬-‭7‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/1co.13.4-7.NLT

Parents, love your children.

All those verses in proverbs about “the rod”? They are meaningless apart from this foundation of biblical love.

Parents, love your children. There is no balancing love and discipline. You cannot love your children too much. To love others (using a biblical definition of love) is to love God. Love your children enough to teach them. Love them enough to correct them.

There are real issues we face as parents that are not solved with a blanket “love them”. I understand this. But I also know that without love, we’re clanging cymbals. We can talk about Jesus all day long with our kids, and if they see us parents as irritable, demanding, or winking at sin we are at best wasting our breath and worse, alienating our children from God.

So that’s my parenting advice today… however simple it may seem: love your kids.

Eeek!

Okay, what do I want to send out into the world raw, unedited, and worthwhile? Oh Lord, I don’t have anything on my own… but we are working on memorizing a verse

Though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons of our warfare aren’t the weapons of the world; on the contrary they have divine power to demolish strongholds. Therefore we take captive every thought to the obedience of Christ.

I’m paraphrasing because I don’t have it fully yet, but we’ve sung this song dozens of times this week – Oh I should probably explain, we sing Seeds Family Worship songs for scripture memorization. So it’s a song! And my time is up but I’ll link it here.

Like so many of the Liar’s schemes, this seems wonderful on the surface. Be patient with your child because they’re innocent. Have empathy because they’re trying their best. Be understanding because your child isn’t sinning.

Lord please help me explain this, though I may be preaching to the air. Perhaps just to refine for myself these points so that I may please You in dwelling on what is true and right and not let myself be captivated by empty arguments.

I appreciate the positive parenting movement. I wish everyone had the time and ability to acquire as much information as possible about child development. I sincerely believe we ascribe malintent far too often with everyone, but especially children. Let me be clear: I do believe children try to “behave” far, far more than we see the result of good behavior. I am in no way trying to say that children ought to be regarded as particularly evil. Children are simply people, and we have done our children a great disservice in assuming they are failing to try when in many cases they just need more instruction and practice.

All that said . . . If, in raising these great gifts of our previous Heavenly Father, we can only show patience if we assume them to be good we are falling so far short of gospel living! To live in the ancient Way is to be patient (long-suffering) in the face of real injustice, as Christ who did not open His mouth but willingly gave His life for those He loved. Do we see our children as enemies? Then we are to love them. But our children are not our enemies! They are gifts. They are gifts to sanctify us and to bless us, and they are also simply people.

Quotes like the one I found are thrown around in parenting circles to the point of cliché: all children are basically good, we just need to nurture them correctly. The most vehement supporters of this ideology will insist with fierce language that speaking ill of children is worthy of gruesome retribution. Funny how the disconnect is right on our noses: if people who harm children ought to be treated severely, but retribution teaches nothing and helps no one, why do we still eagerly seek it?

We seek retribution partly because in our sinful nature, we believe ourselves worthy of determining what is fair. But there is One who is capable and worthy of exacting justice, and like rebellious children we foolishly try to copy Him after our own fashion. Anyone else have a child threaten to put them (or their siblings) in time out? It’s hilarious and maddening. The truth is, justice is real and it was exacted on the Cross. When I sin, I know I can look to the cross and remember that debt was paid. . . but how often do I remember that the sins of others were also paid for there?

This is critical in raising people: we must understand that Jesus paid for all their sins, and it is only in resting in the Cross that they can be freed. Expecting children to act like they’re saved is folly. It is more foolish than the foolishness that is bound up in their hearts, because we ought to know better. I am not trying to raise sanitized sinners. Lord help me, I want to add to His kingdom!! May they be saints! But how can I know what is going on in their hearts if I automatically assume I know their intent at every turn? Lord help me to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove in the lives of my children.

If you are reading this and you feel that tug, you know the one, can I ask you to pray for the Lord to open your eyes, that you may find wonderful things in His Word that apply specifically to your relationships with your children? Can I gently ask that you take a break from listening to secular or even Christian parenting advice podcasts or social media accounts, and look for wisdom in the precious Scriptures? Can I tell you that I need this prayer as well? It is so easy to get caught up in worldly answers to what we think are worldly problems. My child is struggling in [x] scenario, what do I do? O Lord, but is my child simply a sum total of all his behaviors? There is a heart behind every foolish thing he does. In everything, let me speak to his heart that needs You, so much more than me. You must become greater, I must become less.

See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.
— 1 John 3:1-3

I am in my chrysalis during this season. I don’t have much to offer personally. I know who does, and more importantly He knows me. So I’ll keep pointing to Him, even as I lose shape and forget my substance and hang upside down, unsure which way is up.

God is good.

Someone asked me how I stop looking for justice and give up bitterness, and I was so blessed to recall how God has shown me His way on this theme that I want to share it here.

These passages instruct my thinking:

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

— Romans 12:14-21

The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?” They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.”

— John 8:3-11

For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

— Luke 7:47

For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;

— 1 Peter 2:19-23

There have been days that I have these verses on repeat in my mind. 

These songs have also been a comfort:

It feels like dying to forgive people who aren’t nearly as sorry as I think they should be. But it’s like getting stitched up instead of continually covering a wound with a bandage. The bandage doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t heal. Stitches hurt, but they make the wound actually heal. I have less bitterness now than I did a year ago when I was heavily studying on this and learning some of it for the first time. I used to believe God didn’t care as much about my hurts as I did – I thought He had more important concerns. I’ve learned that this is not true. No one cares more than Him. When He seems absent, I have to trust that the opposite is true — “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted.”

I pray this helps.

“Now this is the commandment, the statutes and the judgments which the Lord your God has commanded me to teach you, that you might do them in the land where you are going over to possess it, so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the Lord your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged. O Israel, you should listen and be careful to do it, that it may be well with you and that you may multiply greatly, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey. “Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
— Deuteronomy 6:1-9

Before reading a few chapters of Gentle & Lowly, I would have found this song too “soft” a depiction of our Most Holy God. How many more layers of this deception does He has to unravel? So long I have believed God to be harsh, as if harshness and holiness were inseparable. God is not harsh. His righteous, fiery anger against sinners is merited entirely . . . and in Christ, He resolves it fully.

The longing Christ has for His bride the Church is so sweetly portrayed in this song. “Don’t you give up on me” is not a desperate plea in the sense that He would be incomplete without us, but rather (and this is so consistent with His character it makes me want to cry) a plea founded in how much He knows we need Him, and how much He wants to help us. Isn’t this why Christ came?He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

I found this song after Littlefoot was born. He is the reason I stopped messing around with my mental health and took it as a life and death matter. I didn’t want him to be scared of losing me. Even if I didn’t care about my own life I didn’t want him to have to ever have that worry.

So of course I think of this every time I hear that song, but what no one tells you is how true it is for every baby individually… that each one changes you. Each precious child changes you indelibly. Each child makes you believe that much more in the power of love.

I am so grateful for music like this. I’m not who I was when my first was born. And I’m not who I was when my second was born. Nor my third. I’m not who I was last year. Life is constant change, thank God.

Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12

I don’t write to say that it’s all good now and I’m cured or healed or don’t struggle. I do. I struggle in ways that only someone as pride-filled as me can struggle. But there is growth. I can’t deny it. I’m not who I was. And that is a true miracle.

a little jot on the pressure to be productive

I think of this scene sometimes. I feel that push to be better and do more. Having that mentality of “productivity” is rewarded, not only by society but fellow Christians. When is the last time you told your brother or sister in Christ you got nothing done today and they responded with, “Oh what a blessing of rest!”

God has quite a bit to say about laziness, and it’s clear there is much work to be done. But if the push to DO is for the doing’s sake . . . or worse, for the praise of men . . . we’re better off doing nothing.

Let us press on and endure for the joy set before us, for the glory of the Lord.

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Colossians 3:23-24