Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. “For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’ And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’ And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

Matthew 18:21-35

I bolded some key phrases because I want to know if anyone else sees what I’m seeing here.

The perspective we bring to God’s forgiveness affects how we do (or don’t) receive it. God stands ready to forgive even the most heinous sin. We come to Him burdened with a debt we cannot possibly repay. Yet many will come to Him grateful for the relief, but insisting on paying back “everything”. What foolishness!!

So, when this person encounters someone who owed him a little debt, I am thinking he was considering the amount he was owed as due him immediately, so that he could get to repaying his master quickly. Even though it does not say in the story what the wicked servant’s response is to being sent to jail, I can easily imagine him crying, “but I was just trying to repay you!”

As long as we have any inkling that we can repay God, we will not be able to forgive others as He forgives us. We will be thinking of ourselves as working off our debt, and therefore see those who sin against us as in need of working off their debts to us.

Romans talks about it this way:

Now to the one who works, his wage is not credited as a favor, but as what is due. But to the one who does not work, but believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness,

Romans 4:4-5

As usual, God’s way is not like ours. We want to “repay everything”, and He says no. He says He will pay it. He insists upon us believing in His forgiveness so fully that we can forgive others “seventy times seven”. What great grace!

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=JoeAKG3LVCU&feature=share

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬-‭7‬ ‭NLT‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/116/1co.13.4-7.NLT

Parents, love your children.

All those verses in proverbs about “the rod”? They are meaningless apart from this foundation of biblical love.

Parents, love your children. There is no balancing love and discipline. You cannot love your children too much. To love others (using a biblical definition of love) is to love God. Love your children enough to teach them. Love them enough to correct them.

There are real issues we face as parents that are not solved with a blanket “love them”. I understand this. But I also know that without love, we’re clanging cymbals. We can talk about Jesus all day long with our kids, and if they see us parents as irritable, demanding, or winking at sin we are at best wasting our breath and worse, alienating our children from God.

So that’s my parenting advice today… however simple it may seem: love your kids.

Eeek!

Okay, what do I want to send out into the world raw, unedited, and worthwhile? Oh Lord, I don’t have anything on my own… but we are working on memorizing a verse

Though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons of our warfare aren’t the weapons of the world; on the contrary they have divine power to demolish strongholds. Therefore we take captive every thought to the obedience of Christ.

I’m paraphrasing because I don’t have it fully yet, but we’ve sung this song dozens of times this week – Oh I should probably explain, we sing Seeds Family Worship songs for scripture memorization. So it’s a song! And my time is up but I’ll link it here.

Like so many of the Liar’s schemes, this seems wonderful on the surface. Be patient with your child because they’re innocent. Have empathy because they’re trying their best. Be understanding because your child isn’t sinning.

Lord please help me explain this, though I may be preaching to the air. Perhaps just to refine for myself these points so that I may please You in dwelling on what is true and right and not let myself be captivated by empty arguments.

I appreciate the positive parenting movement. I wish everyone had the time and ability to acquire as much information as possible about child development. I sincerely believe we ascribe malintent far too often with everyone, but especially children. Let me be clear: I do believe children try to “behave” far, far more than we see the result of good behavior. I am in no way trying to say that children ought to be regarded as particularly evil. Children are simply people, and we have done our children a great disservice in assuming they are failing to try when in many cases they just need more instruction and practice.

All that said . . . If, in raising these great gifts of our previous Heavenly Father, we can only show patience if we assume them to be good we are falling so far short of gospel living! To live in the ancient Way is to be patient (long-suffering) in the face of real injustice, as Christ who did not open His mouth but willingly gave His life for those He loved. Do we see our children as enemies? Then we are to love them. But our children are not our enemies! They are gifts. They are gifts to sanctify us and to bless us, and they are also simply people.

Quotes like the one I found are thrown around in parenting circles to the point of cliché: all children are basically good, we just need to nurture them correctly. The most vehement supporters of this ideology will insist with fierce language that speaking ill of children is worthy of gruesome retribution. Funny how the disconnect is right on our noses: if people who harm children ought to be treated severely, but retribution teaches nothing and helps no one, why do we still eagerly seek it?

We seek retribution partly because in our sinful nature, we believe ourselves worthy of determining what is fair. But there is One who is capable and worthy of exacting justice, and like rebellious children we foolishly try to copy Him after our own fashion. Anyone else have a child threaten to put them (or their siblings) in time out? It’s hilarious and maddening. The truth is, justice is real and it was exacted on the Cross. When I sin, I know I can look to the cross and remember that debt was paid. . . but how often do I remember that the sins of others were also paid for there?

This is critical in raising people: we must understand that Jesus paid for all their sins, and it is only in resting in the Cross that they can be freed. Expecting children to act like they’re saved is folly. It is more foolish than the foolishness that is bound up in their hearts, because we ought to know better. I am not trying to raise sanitized sinners. Lord help me, I want to add to His kingdom!! May they be saints! But how can I know what is going on in their hearts if I automatically assume I know their intent at every turn? Lord help me to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove in the lives of my children.

If you are reading this and you feel that tug, you know the one, can I ask you to pray for the Lord to open your eyes, that you may find wonderful things in His Word that apply specifically to your relationships with your children? Can I gently ask that you take a break from listening to secular or even Christian parenting advice podcasts or social media accounts, and look for wisdom in the precious Scriptures? Can I tell you that I need this prayer as well? It is so easy to get caught up in worldly answers to what we think are worldly problems. My child is struggling in [x] scenario, what do I do? O Lord, but is my child simply a sum total of all his behaviors? There is a heart behind every foolish thing he does. In everything, let me speak to his heart that needs You, so much more than me. You must become greater, I must become less.

See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.
— 1 John 3:1-3

I am in my chrysalis during this season. I don’t have much to offer personally. I know who does, and more importantly He knows me. So I’ll keep pointing to Him, even as I lose shape and forget my substance and hang upside down, unsure which way is up.

God is good.

Someone asked me how I stop looking for justice and give up bitterness, and I was so blessed to recall how God has shown me His way on this theme that I want to share it here.

These passages instruct my thinking:

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

— Romans 12:14-21

The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?” They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.”

— John 8:3-11

For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

— Luke 7:47

For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;

— 1 Peter 2:19-23

There have been days that I have these verses on repeat in my mind. 

These songs have also been a comfort:

It feels like dying to forgive people who aren’t nearly as sorry as I think they should be. But it’s like getting stitched up instead of continually covering a wound with a bandage. The bandage doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t heal. Stitches hurt, but they make the wound actually heal. I have less bitterness now than I did a year ago when I was heavily studying on this and learning some of it for the first time. I used to believe God didn’t care as much about my hurts as I did – I thought He had more important concerns. I’ve learned that this is not true. No one cares more than Him. When He seems absent, I have to trust that the opposite is true — “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted.”

I pray this helps.

“Now this is the commandment, the statutes and the judgments which the Lord your God has commanded me to teach you, that you might do them in the land where you are going over to possess it, so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the Lord your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged. O Israel, you should listen and be careful to do it, that it may be well with you and that you may multiply greatly, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey. “Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
— Deuteronomy 6:1-9

Before reading a few chapters of Gentle & Lowly, I would have found this song too “soft” a depiction of our Most Holy God. How many more layers of this deception does He has to unravel? So long I have believed God to be harsh, as if harshness and holiness were inseparable. God is not harsh. His righteous, fiery anger against sinners is merited entirely . . . and in Christ, He resolves it fully.

The longing Christ has for His bride the Church is so sweetly portrayed in this song. “Don’t you give up on me” is not a desperate plea in the sense that He would be incomplete without us, but rather (and this is so consistent with His character it makes me want to cry) a plea founded in how much He knows we need Him, and how much He wants to help us. Isn’t this why Christ came?He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

I found this song after Littlefoot was born. He is the reason I stopped messing around with my mental health and took it as a life and death matter. I didn’t want him to be scared of losing me. Even if I didn’t care about my own life I didn’t want him to have to ever have that worry.

So of course I think of this every time I hear that song, but what no one tells you is how true it is for every baby individually… that each one changes you. Each precious child changes you indelibly. Each child makes you believe that much more in the power of love.

I am so grateful for music like this. I’m not who I was when my first was born. And I’m not who I was when my second was born. Nor my third. I’m not who I was last year. Life is constant change, thank God.

Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12

I don’t write to say that it’s all good now and I’m cured or healed or don’t struggle. I do. I struggle in ways that only someone as pride-filled as me can struggle. But there is growth. I can’t deny it. I’m not who I was. And that is a true miracle.

a little jot on the pressure to be productive

I think of this scene sometimes. I feel that push to be better and do more. Having that mentality of “productivity” is rewarded, not only by society but fellow Christians. When is the last time you told your brother or sister in Christ you got nothing done today and they responded with, “Oh what a blessing of rest!”

God has quite a bit to say about laziness, and it’s clear there is much work to be done. But if the push to DO is for the doing’s sake . . . or worse, for the praise of men . . . we’re better off doing nothing.

Let us press on and endure for the joy set before us, for the glory of the Lord.

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Colossians 3:23-24

Almost finished reading The Chronicles of Narnia with Littlefoot and these images are fresh in my mind.

Oh, He is good.

I don’t think much of feelings propaganda, but this particular one keys into something I think we can overlook. Feelings should not dictate behavior (though we often find they do); however feelings are indicators. Like the soul’s “check engine” light, feelings can help push us to take a closer look at what might be going on “under the hood”.

We don’t need to despise our feelings. We just need to keep them in their proper place.

Are you letting your feelings prompt you to check in with the Lord?

There is a famous parable about a master who gives talents to his slaves.

“For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money. Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here, I have made five talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here, I have made two talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here, you have what is yours.’ But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Matthew 25:14-30

I’ve read this parable many times and heartily agreed with God how wicked this servant was to do nothing with the gifts He had given. Oh, I would never be like that!, I thought. I will always work hard for the Lord!

How many times I’ve read this parable and couldn’t see myself in that wicked servant, but today I do. How often I have said, “Master, I know You to be a just Judge punishing the wicked, so I have not fully committed to the effort required to work out my salvation, because I am afraid You will judge my failures harshly. It is enough that I fail at everyday things; must I add to my guilt the punishment of such huge failures as educating the children You have given me?”

By His grace, I have not lived in that way of thinking, but I must be honest: I’ve taken long, cold vacations there.

This is my public confession because I have published on here things that came from this wicked way of thinking, and I must renounce this downtrodden spirit I’ve let hang over so many of my words — written and spoken, definitely thought. I may come across many people who are “harsh masters”, but the Lord is not one of them.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness. I’ve been saying this for a long time, but I think I really believe it now.

I used to be the one receiving pictures of my kids all day while I worked, grateful for any tiny glimpse I might get into the everyday of their miraculous lives. Today, I finally realized I’m the one sending those pictures now.

I don’t post many pictures of my children, but I do share quite a bit with close family and friends. The days I take more pictures tend to be the ones I remember fondly, even if those pictures are of frowning faces and tear-stained cheeks. Yes, I take those pictures too. Sometimes the only way for me to maintain sanity during a meltdown is to record it in all its meltiness. By the grace of God, for every picture like that I’ve got dozens more of my rambunctious boys laughing and smiling. And I’m the one behind the camera.

What a blessing.

I have a few articles published on this site. Take a look around, it’s a good place to get different perspectives.

Is it homeschooling if you skip as many days as you attempt?

I feel like I’ve run out of excuses. Trip to Missouri (the week before Thanksgiving)…. a couple weeks to adjust to being home…. frustrated with the “curriculum” and lack of measurable progress; scale back to singing days of the week and going over letters, but this sporadically because it feels so insignificant…. Sicknesses. Christmas. New Years.

I’m new to staying home. I don’t have a lot of problem with basic routine; we have set wake, sleep, and mealtimes. I guess I should be thankful for that. I don’t know how people who don’t have any routine cope.

But I’m not used to being the kids all-day, day in day out Teacher, Nurturer, and Play Facilitator. My mom is sometimes able to watch the youngest while I play with the older two, and my mother in law takes all the kids once a week. I feel like such a garbage can for even saying I’m their 24/7 caregiver, because I know a lot of moms don’t have this. I get breaks.

The thing is, I don’t know what to do with the breaks I get. I have a little accounting job that I’m constantly getting behind on because I rely on my mother in law taking the kids to do that work, and it seems like we don’t go more than a couple weeks without an interruption to that. She has friends and family she likes to visit, and she won’t take them when they’re sick (for good reason). For the last month we’ve been sick more than healthy.

I guess I’m just having a hard time since we’ve had so much sickness and the holidays. I’m discouraged. I don’t feel like I’m good for the kids. I cry too much. I lose steam. I let them watch tv simply because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t make plans because I don’t trust myself to carry them out. When I do try to do things, I mess it up somehow. I have cookie dough in the fridge from two different attempts to make cookies. No icing for the sugar cookies. I tried to let the kids play in flour (unrelated to the cookies) and it got all over the garage, and there’s still a mound of gross flour just outside the garage that I’m not sure how to clean up. Our yard looks like a graveyard for toys…I can’t look anywhere without seeing evidence of my many failures.

I don’t have any local friends or hobbies. I don’t even read books anymore. Whine whine whine. Poor me spoiled housewife.

If you’ve read this far, I’m sorry I wasted your time. The update essentially is that I have no idea what I’m doing but I’ll just keep focusing on reading to Joseph (Beatrix Potter these days) and doing letter activities and flash cards. I’m not in any rush for him to learn to read, but given his background he will need support there and is unlikely to just pick it up.

When I started this post I was depressed. I’m not anymore. I’m grateful for a family that loves me. I’m grateful for such amazing, fun children. But mostly I am so grateful that God doesn’t look at me wallowing and say “buck up”. He gets down in the mud with me and out walks with me, all the while telling me about the great laugh we will have over this some day when I see it all pieced together.

But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

Titus 3:4-7

Homeschooling is challenging for me, but I will press on.

I blocked someone’s number recently. I hate doing that. But I was continually losing it at the things they would text.

I need rest.

The block lasted three days, and on my way over to their house to help them with an errand, I was pondering if I should block them again after I was done.

I need rest.

But this song came on the radio.

I need rest.

And as I listened it was obvious that I wanted the sword; I wanted deliverance from the “enemy” who threatened my peace.

I need rest.

But He didn’t come as a helpless baby to make my life comfortable here and now. In fact, as the innkeeper experiences in the song, He often interrupts my “peace”. He knows what I need better than I do.

I need rest.

Jesus alone offers the rest I crave. No amount of productivity, relaxation, or balance thereof will end the voices that tell me I’m a failure.

I need rest.

So I remember the helpless Baby. I recall the invitation. I accept that He alone has made me worthy. And in so doing, I enter that rest.

Because I do need rest.