During my first attempt at college, I met a man whose “baptist yell” is forever imprinted on my brain. He held nothing back as he screamed after every statement: DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?!

I am not one who typically gets into emotional worship or sermons where the pastor equates volume with sincerity. I do not trust people who appear to be manipulating me, regardless of their intentions.

But this man, I can’t help but see him as someone I needed to wake me up… and whose Do you really believe that? scream lives on in my mind in a sort of fatherly way, a beacon… a lighthouse. I will be reading Scripture and see a truth about God that would change everything if I truly lived like it were true, and Do you really BELIEVE that?! rings in my ears as if I am hearing it for the first time. A familiar worship song plays on the radio and I am humbled again… do I really believe this, what I’m singing?

I have been in a bit of hibernation since Thanksgiving (maybe longer) and I really believe some things now that I didn’t before. I believe that what makes a restful day isn’t the goodness of my work but the quality of my affections. I believe that God really loves me no matter how poorly I love Him.

As I look forward to getting back into routine, however, I see that my time here is short and I cannot waste it trying to escape from the everyday pressures of life. I will flounder, fall, and fail, but I must still try. I might just be ready now. Now that I know in my bones that it isn’t my effort that accomplishes anything. Now that I know I am loved… so loved. How He loves!!!

And out of the overflow of such great love, mercy, and grace I see that I need to be more present for my children… more proactive about discipline… more creative and engaging with their education. I need to lead by example. Not out of fear for what will happen if I don’t, but because this is what God has for me.

What will that look like practically? I am still working it out. But this has been a growing concern for me over the last couple weeks especially, and I am settled now: some things simply must change. I must change.

Thank you for indulging my introspection. I leave you with a little Scripture that really got me cemented on this train of thought;

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”
— John 11:25-26