I wrote a few months ago that I am in my chrysalis season, and I think that is still true. I’ve posted a few things since then, but ultimately I am finding that every time I try to act like I have something figured out, God reminds me promptly that I’m not in a race, there are not levels of sanctification, and I am not somehow a better person than I was yesterday or yesteryear.

… And while humbling, isn’t that so much freedom? The only way I can fall is if I elevate myself, because God isn’t putting me in that position. He knows I am dust; He never “expected better” from me. He hates my sin — enough to punish His beloved Son for it! — but He doesn’t see me in it; He sees me through Christ and His sacrifice.

Getting better, healing, doing better — those are my aims in life. His aim? To purify, to sanctify. This process looks nothing like I thought it would.

I’m learning to trust the One who is doing the process, look at my actions and not their apparent results, and get comfortable with feeling like I am dying. With every “but it hurts!” I find that comfort He promises. But I need to admit that it hurts, and that is hard.

When you grow up passionately pursuing enlightenment — a state of being un-offend-able and unattached — the call of Christ to throw our entire physical, mental, spiritual self upon His mercy and trust Him is almost too emotional an affair. I would rather carry on with the mental gymnastics of denying the existence my own feelings and even bringing Scripture into it to add veracity to the pursuit.

There is no tidy bow to wrap this up with. The day is already rolling and I’ve got to hop on.

I will end with this, and pray it blesses you:

A Psalm of David.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

The Lord performs righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.

The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,
And His sovereignty rules over all.
Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Mighty in strength, who perform His word,
Obeying the voice of His word!
Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You who serve Him, doing His will.
Bless the Lord, all you works of His,
In all places of His dominion;
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Psalm 103:1-22