And Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he replied, “Say it, Teacher.” “A moneylender had two debtors: one owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they were unable to repay, he graciously forgave them both. So which of them will love him more?” Simon answered and said, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.” And He said to him, “You have judged correctly…For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.”
— Luke 7:40-43,47

I’ve been forgiven much. That doesn’t mean I’ve never been wronged, but it changes how I look at people who have wronged me. I used to be so angry, so consumed with thoughts of but I would never do that. Truthfully, that was my way of thinking from childhood; the only way I made peace with those thoughts was to excuse the wrongs done to me. “I would never do that, but I know better” or “I have more patience” or “I haven’t been hurt as much as that person”. But you know how flimsy excuses are? They’re even flimsier when you’re making them for other people without their knowledge or consent.

In the end, I was not only carrying the weight of my own sins but I also carried the weight of sins done against me. I believed I needed to be something better than human. I thought if I could just rise above and be everything everyone needed without having any needs of my own, all would be well. Ha.

I saw no way out of this, because the moment I accepted forgiveness without strings, where did that leave my excuse-giving? It meant that I had to acknowledge that whether or not they knew better, or had the tools to do better didn’t make a difference to the fact that I was hurt. And I refused to be hurt. I am not a victim.

And I had so many little fits and starts down the right road. I would be content to be forgiven and to forgive, until something came along that really had a solid chance of hurting me deeply. Then the walls went back up; the excuses for the behavior were a barricade against further pain and an awful bandage against the wound I refused to acknowledge.

but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong,
— 1 Corinthians 1:27

A few years ago I found myself in the proverbial fire. No amount of excuses made me feel safe anymore. I started having panic attacks. It was surreal. I found the end of myself.

And there my Father was, ahead of me as always.

It wasn’t an overnight thing in the least, but somewhere along the line I did have to make a choice to actually forgive instead of making excuses. I would catch myself saying to myself, “They’re just really tired” and despite the seeming goodness and compassion of such a statement I knew my motives for thinking that way. Instead, I would say, “God knows and cares about this even more than I do. He is compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness. Jesus died for their sin against me, and my sin of wanting to take offense at so small a thing. God help us.”

Tonight I found myself trying to make excuses for someone who hurt me. While I don’t regret thinking of reasons why their actions were not sinfully motivated, or pondering ways I might have misunderstood or misinterpreted things, ultimately I have been forgiven much. In accepting that forgiveness, I find healing for the hurts that come from living in a sin-sick world. If our paths cross again and that pain is still there, I will have the courage to say so. Without judgment, without fear. Because the Forgiver and Judge has already dealt with it.

God is so much better than we know.