Isn’t it funny that what keeps us angry, or fearful, or despairing, or all-over-the-place so often is feeling like we are missing the mark?

Whose mark?

Why does it feel like the “standard” is constantly shifting or moving or slowly yet constantly floating ever out of reach?

God is not fickle or demanding. His standard never changes. His mark doesn’t move.

Yet I stand in the kitchen watching my youngest try his hardest to choke on his lunch and my older two glued to screens on this rainy day after an entirely screen free morning, and after sobbing off and on for hours I recall the handful of parents I know who just leave the TV on all the time and how absurd it would seem to them that I am judging myself for having difficulty thinking of some other indoor activity to fill the gap between lunchtime and nap… among other uglier things I am scared to be judged for so I don’t write about them, but trust me TV time isn’t why I was hating myself.

And immediately, knowing Scripture and the commandments that do not shift or change with culture or societal norms, I recognize my foolishness isn’t that I am judging myself too harshly. I am judging myself by literally any other standard than the Lord’s. Because I know I have failed, and even though I know the gospel I forget — and I don’t trust its simplicity.

As I stand watch over my little kids I remember the question I always ask them after I have received their confession of wrongdoing. What do you do when you do something wrong? I’m training my kids but I need this more than they. Like a catechism the answer is scripted: Ask forgiveness. When forgiveness is requested it’s always granted.

When forgiveness is requested of God, it is not only always granted but it is given perfectly. No lingering feelings of broken trust. No coming up short on affection. No barriers put up or further requirements to receive the full extent of His forgiveness.

I like to think I am angry with myself for failing to meet some ideal. I don’t get up at 5am; I spend my fringe time tapping out words on my phone, searching for free things for my kids, or texting friends instead of cleaning or planning the day; I watch garbage comedy or home renovation shows on Netflix most evenings… the list of non-sins nonsense goes on.

God forgives my real sin. Lack of compassion. Harsh words. Laziness. Impatience. Things I want to say I can’t change, things I want to use as evidence in the case against me — things I take to God as proof that He should destroy me. Because my pride says I can make that call. In my arrogance I actively look for ways to destroy myself. But God is not like this. He sees my sin more clearly and with more wrath than I can imagine, yet He forgives.

He sent Jesus to pay for every last harsh word, selfish motive, and wasted hour.

My only plea is Him, and the only thing that matters is that I walk in His way. His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and His is the only work that matters and the only standard that means anything.

Have I failed to meet His standard? Yes. So what can I do? Ask forgiveness. And then get up, pick up my mat and walk.