Few things give me the courage to keep writing anymore. So much more tells me to keep silent, to hide, to modify my words so that they’re not so dark.

Andrew Peterson reminds me that sometimes penning words to life’s sorrows is exactly what we need. No disclaimers, no “but God”, no drowning the sorrow in cliches — however true those cliches may be.

I saw something once, maybe a cartoon, about how anger tends to trickle down from a boss, to a manager, to an employee, to his kids, to the poor family dog, who turns around and bites the kid. At least the dog is honest in his venting.

How many times do I vent my anger to the people who deserve it least?

I came here to talk about how I’m tired, how I can’t seem to keep all the plates spinning, and how often I fail to even try.

But then I remembered that line in that song O Lord, I am furrowed like the field, torn open like the dirt. And by the grace of God I turned my desire to vent into a prayer that leaked onto my cheeks and christened the paperwork I’m supposed to be working on.

And now I’m just writing to say that life is good, even if it’s hard sometimes. And the quicker can I get over the idea that I’m supposed to be completely selfless and incapable of anger, the better. Foolish Foundmercy; did I think that, being helpless as I was to save myself, that I would be able to continue on in my own strength?

I don’t need people to tell me I’m fine as I am; I need people to remind me that while I was yet dead, Christ made me alive with Him. And that God-made-alive power doesn’t quit. God will never take a look at me and say, “Ok! Great! You’ve “graduated”; you don’t need Me anymore! Good luck on all your future endeavours!” He made me to need Him. And of all times, living in this broken world with this rotting body, this is the time I need Him most.

When I get selfish, I need Him. When my anger rises against the demands and pressures of life, I need Him. When that anger turns ferociously inward and threatens to consume me, I need Him.

And when people tell me I’m too hard on myself, that I need to love myself more, I don’t need to vindicate myself and throw the Book at them, asking “where does the Bible say ‘love thyself’?” When I do that, what am I doing except taking my ungodly, unrighteous anger and dressing it up as Biblical? And who was it that Jesus rebuked most sternly? Oh, right. Those people who dressed up their sins — those “whitewashed tombs”.

So let me end this before I go too far down the rabbit holes of my mind.

Time to get back to work.

(Began July 17, 2019 and Finished July 19, 2019)