I have nine drafts now.

I posted something a little over a month ago that took a lot of courage for me to write. A few days later, I took it down because someone got so panicked that it made me wonder if what I wrote about should even be written about publicly. Maybe some things should be kept quiet, discussed only with trusted friends and medical professionals.

I don’t want to be that emo kid who is all talk and angry that people have a problem with her self-expression. I also don’t want to cause unnecessary worry. So I took down my “brave” post, and am back to wondering what is even the point of having a blog, of saying anything at all. I have zero qualifications. I don’t even have an English degree. What do I know about? Spreadsheets and how to make baby food. I’m not blogging about either of those things. I have no desire to blog about those things. Spreadsheets are something I hope to leave behind me one day. Baby food is something I enjoy because it’s immediately and obviously beneficial.

I have to wonder if I only write because it selfishly allows me to process, to gain perspective. And if so, why post that crap for all the world to see? Why share it with anyone at all?

Because I think I’m not the only one tired of reading the “five easy steps” and the “one thing you must do” blog posts. I write and share because I can’t be the only one who goes through this. And I am tired of the sunny side. Does God have a plan? YES. Is all this life nothing to be compared with what will be revealed in glory? YES. Do we need to constantly remind ourselves of these anchoring truths? YES.

But we have lost the art of lament. We have become uncomfortable with dwelling. We want to push-push-push, forget the “bad”, focus on the “good”. We go so far as to think that it’s a sin to think anything that isn’t good, pure, right, etc. Rather than ask ourselves why our soul is downcast, we try to cram as much truth down our throats as we can muster and we think that our mental health will be changed by how loudly we proclaim its goodness.

The truth will set you free. The truth is meaningless without context.

And this is yet another post that I won’t share with anyone because I do not want anyone to know how dark this context is.