I get so stuck sometimes. I feel like there is an ocean between how I am and how I want to be. I almost wrote “who I am” but that’s not accurate. I’m not fixated on being different in personality. It’s not always awesome to be introverted or to have an odd sense of humor but it’s okay. What bothers me is knowing that I want to have a clean house and the fact that I don’t do the things needed to have a clean house. I want to spend time in the Word each morning and I’m only actually doing it three days in a week. I want to train my toddler to use the potty but I’m not consistent with it. Part of that is… maybe part of all of this is fear of failure. It’s not enough for me to do better than I did before; I’m looking for a standard. And that’s not a bad thing. It keeps me from resting on my laurels. But it also makes me feel like my efforts are never enough, and feeling “not enough” doesn’t feel good. I constantly feel like I need a rest, an escape. And then I feel shame for taking a rest, because I haven’t earned it. And the cycle continues — overwhelmed with all I am falling short on, need a rest, even further behind and overwhelmed, desiring more rest.

I see as I write this how if I find my sufficiency (my “enough-ness”) in Christ, I won’t be getting overwhelmed by housework. Or anything else. It’s not some magic fix though. It’s a daily, moment-by-moment, thing. To take each thought captive, to bring them one by one under the authority of God. The degree to which I feel “enough” directly correlates to how much I am finding my enough-ness in God. And this is taking refuge in Him.

There are ten more hours to this wonderful day. I’m going to stop ruminating and enjoy my wild toddler and my sweet baby.