It has always concerned my therapists that I don’t have any interest in taking antidepressants beyond the length of time it takes me to feel better. I think the longest I’ve stayed on antidepressants was a few years while I was in a relationship that lends credence the quote: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

I’ve been suicidal. I’ve thought things that have actually scared me, made me afraid of myself, of what I would do to escape the torment of feeling so deeply ruined and ruinous that I deserved to die. And the thing is, that feeling isn’t even what depression is. Depression is the ruts of thinking ingrained so deeply in your soul that lead down paths that, at best, end with a grit-your-teeth determination to be better and do better and at worse end in feeling sweet relief at the thought of being gone, of life ending and the world carrying on without you.

Depression is not the feeling, it’s the ruts.

The medication cannot change those all-too-familiar routes your mind takes when it wanders. Psychiatrists know this, which is why they strongly encourage therapy and in some cases require it. For a long time, even though I knew depression isn’t cured by antidepressants, I saw no problem with doctors prescribing them for long-term use without requiring therapy. I know I personally had not been helped by any psychologist. No offense to the nice people I’ve met who attempted to help me. I’ve had some good times and some interesting thoughts come out of therapy sessions. But I thought it was okay that some people just needed the medicine, because, I’ve often quipped, depression is a disease.

But if depression is a disease, why are doctors so hell-bent on treating the symptoms and not on healing the person afflicted with it? This could start an entirely new rant about the state of health care and the lack of preventive care in general, how we treat our bodies with contempt and expect our bodies to reward years and years of abuse with never failing on us. But I’ll leave it at that. The thing that boggles my mind is that we would have a disease that afflicts so many people and have no apparent interest in finding a cure. Is it possible that pharmaceutical companies make too much money off keeping the population medicated?

I say all this as someone who has taken antidepressants and honestly would not feel any shame in taking them again for a time if I needed to. I say this as someone who has family members with a lifetime prescription for antidepressants. I say this as someone who believes we need to erase the stigma attached to mental disease. It is no more a reflection of one’s character to become suicidal than it is to get cancer. But cancer is not a disease of the heart/mind and depression is not a disease of the body. Different solutions for different problems.

The only ‘therapy’ that has ever helped my depression in a meaningful way is Biblical counseling. I’m not cured, but like an alcoholic I can say I am in recovery. Some days are harder than others. Some days I think I’ll never have to fight those dragons again; other days I think I will never be free of the thoughts that I wish I could disown. I often think that depression is the only way God could find to keep me humble, because when I start to feel like I’ve left depression in the past I start to get a little too preachy and lot less empathetic. He uses all things for good; I know that much. And maybe the only good that will come of me spending over a month in crippling fear and terrorizing loneliness, isolation, and agony of the soul (the worst depressive episode I had was also the shortest, thank God) is this blog post, these writings. Maybe the only good that will come of me navigating these choppy (sometimes terrifyingly unpredictable) waters is this voice I’ve found to speak loud and clear to anyone who feels like they are alone: I hear you. I see you. And I can tell you, I can show you, that there is always hope.

Whether you’re resisting medication or determined that you’re a lifer for antidepressants, I urge you to not stop until you are in full recovery. Stop doing the bare minimum to be ‘functional’. Don’t sell yourself short. You were created to be a shining star, a vibrant bundle of joy, and by the grace and power of God alone this is possible for you – yes, even you. And, astonishingly, even me.