I get stuck sometimes.

I think that’s a better word than “depressed”, because the word depressed connotes sadness, despair, a sea of blue in a void of black — drifting aimlessly. Sure depression can feel like that. It can be all those things our crazy culture gloms onto and tries to make relatable. (Did you know Depression Nap is a meme?)

Feeling like I feel right now, I’m not sad. I’m not feeling “woe is me”. I’m feeling stuck. Like a rat in a maze, I keep turning corners only to find there’s a wall there.

Maybe I could write a blog post.
Nobody will care what I write.

I should list what I’m grateful for.
And find out just how ungrateful I am.

I should get out of my head…
out of my head….
out of my head…
Anytime now would be great.

Maybe a little food.
Too much effort, I’m not worth it.

So here it is, 4:30pm on a Friday and even though I’ve made a list of what I’ve done today that’s longer than most other days this week it’s not enough to assuage the guilt. I’ve spent too much time on Facebook today. I took care of a personal errand for a friend during work hours. I felt like crap about my job; I spent the entire day not wanting to be here. I am lousy.

Stuck.

So to appease the kind person who suggested it, here’s my three things I’m grateful for:

1. Ironically, my job. It pays the bills and allows me to play with paper and spreadsheets.
2. Littlefoot and Love, for the way they smile at me in so much the same way I can’t think of one without thinking of the other.
3. Daycare that allows me to drop off Littlefoot for a day here and there without giving me any trouble about it, charges a reasonable price. Without them I’d be out of work today and miss the opportunity to do all those things I was able to do today.

And damn if I don’t feel at least a little bit better.